I am about to admit something that I am probably going to regret. Something that if the next guy I consider spending any significant amount of time with reads I bet it shortens our liaison by a considerable margin. Something that not many other girls would admit I don’t think.
Looking back at the treatment I have endured and tolerated in the past from ex-boyfriends, lovers and friends with benefits and the way in which I have vowed to girlfriend after family member after friend that I would never tolerate again; experiencing the exact opposite of these things is…a huge turn off. I’m not saying that I miss the way I was treated by some of them, the alcoholic and the nose breaker are things I would never do again but some of it, the stuff I have really bitched to my friends about I never realised how important it was for the dynamic of a relationship…until now.
Every girl has a back-catalogue of useless wankers that she used to date. From the emotionally unavailable, selfish, inconsiderate arseholes to the lying, cheating, alcoholic and nose breakers. Every girl because of these men has a list of traits and deal breakers as long as a piece of string; things that they will never deal with again. Things that will send up the red flags. The reasons they just want a nice, reliable, dependable guy.
My confession is the last thing I want is a nice, reliable, dependable guy.
I am aware this may just make me a masochist.
Over the last few months in my newly found state of singledom I have been a magnet for these nice, reliable, dependable men that apparently want to rescue me and treat me like a princess. And it leaves me cold. 12a and his noncommittal, cold shoulder approach irritates the shit out of me, but I find that dance much more interesting than a few hours spent being told how amazing and beautiful I am with the kind of wide-eyed honesty and depth of truth in their tone of voice that just gives me the herby-jeebies.
I don’t find the implication exciting that if I say the word he is going to transform before my eyes like Optimus Prime from some normal, everyday average Joe to wannabe Prince Charming, I don’t find it appealing in anyway that should I want it, I can have it. All of it. The knowledge that there would never be any anxious excitement of not knowing whats coming next, that there would be no mystery, no wondering, no…for want of a better word games. I don’t like game-playing but I do like a bit of an edge that means I don’t feel like this person has some form of glass roof on their head displaying everything that they are thinking and doing.
Maybe it’s knowing that if I went for this guy he would never hurt me, I would win every fight without raising my voice and I would get my own way without any hesitation. Every. Single. Time. I don’t know to some people that might seem like the perfect relationship, but this idea leaves me colder than the chunk of ice that sank the Titanic.
I want the mystery, the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, that rush you get when you don’t know whether something is going to work out the way you want it to or not. I don’t want to date in my comfort zone, that’s boring, it’s playing it safe. And when was the last time you said to someone you have to try that it was so much fun and a rush because of how safe it was? Up to now I have dated pressed up against the edge of my comfort zone, one foot firmly planted there so it didn’t get too scary. And the variety of bottom-feeders I have dated heralds that, that didn’t work. So my choices are date the nice, reliable, dependable guy that turns up when you want the other guy to and says the right thing when you’d rather be grabbed and pinned up against a wall making up properly. Or get completely out of my comfort zone and date dangerously.
I think it might have to be the latter because I would rather feel that rush than wake up one morning fat, old and bored.
My name is Hell DeJour and after experiencing a glimpse of what I guess I myself and other girls have announced that they want in a guy I hold my hands up and admit I don’t want that at all.